Question Time Reload
by Koneko Cain
Summary: Yet more Question Time, because it wouldn't die. Marik, Bakura and Seto discover doujinshi, and Ryou tries to go on a date.
1. Doujinshi, and Gold Plated Tanks

Question Time – Reload. Part 1

**Couples: Bakura, Marik and Seto are pretty much screwing everyone including each other. Apart from that… yeah. Everyone is sleeping with everyone else, just the way it should be. **

**Reload 1 – In which Honda and Ryou try to go on a date.**

**Setting – Some expensive restaurant.**

**Ryou: Well, this is flashy. How are you affording this again? We're on a date and I'm obviously the woman here, so you're paying you know.**

**Honda: Kaiba's paying. **

**Ryou: Really? That's nice of him. **

**Honda: He doesn't know it yet. He has a tab here.**

**Ryou: That makes more sense. I don't suppose he'll mind too much, and if he does I'm sure he'll just take it out on you and leave me alone because my yami stalks him.**

**Honda: Yeah… **

**Ryou: Having a brutally insane other half DOES have its advantages! I knew I'd find one some day.**

**Honda: Er, right. It's not like this'll even make a dent in Kaiba's huge pile of money anyway.**

**Ryou: I heard he was going broke.**

**Honda: Eh? O.o**

**Ryou: Well, he lives with Marik and my yami. Not by choice, of course, who would? But Bakura seems to have figured out credit cards, so I don't expect Kaiba's huge pile of money will stay intact for long.**

**Honda: Um… That's bad.**

**Ryou: Then again, perhaps they'll be responsible. You never know.**

**(Marik and Bakura ride past the window in a gold plated tank, being chased by at least ten police cars, in what may be the world's slowest police chase. Marik is driving, and Bakura is sitting on top of the gun turret throwing empty beer cans at the lead patrol car and laughing like a maniac.)**

**Ryou: I didn't think so.**

**XxXxX**

**Part 2 – In which Marik, Bakura and Seto discover yaoi doujinshi.**

**Bakura: Why do none of these books have pictures in! I can't read this stupid language, it's- Ooh, I found one. **

**Marik: Isn't that me on the cover?**

**Bakura: Er. How did you get on there? **

**Marik: Well, I AM famous and evil. Hey, the pharaoh's on there too.**

**Bakura: Damn him. Why am I not on here? I have ten times the sex appeal of you and that-that royal midget!**

**Marik: Maybe you're inside?**

**Bakura: Good point, let me see. Hmm… Oh My Ra! O.o This is- this is-**

**Marik: It's what?**

**Bakura: Disgusting, you sick bastard! What the hell is- Oh, that's just wrong.**

**Marik: What is? Let me see!**

**Bakura: I have no idea what it says, but you're doing really nasty things to pharaoh's hikari with some monster. One word – tentacles.**

**Marik: I never did that! Honest!**

**Bakura: Suuuure. Hey, now you're screwing the pharaoh! You slut!**

**Marik: I never did anything to him! Maybe it's my hikari? He'll sleep with anyone.**

**Bakura: It's definitely you. Ech, this one's going on the pile of things I was going to burn later.**

**Marik: Hey, this one has you on the cover.**

**Bakura: There's more?**

**Marik: Yup. Hahaha, you're totally wearing a dress.**

**Bakura: WHAT?**

**Marik: Now you're screwing Ryou. Hehee.**

**Bakura: That… doesn't sound too bad…**

**Marik: Oooh, now you're getting molested by Malik-hikari's monsters, and three random guys are about to beat you up and do perverted things to you. And you ate glitter.**

**Bakura: …**

**Marik: Or it could have been drugs… Ok, I'm keeping this one. **

**Bakura: Give me that!**

**Marik: Not likely, you're all uke and pathetic here, I like it!**

**Seto: What the hell are you idiots doing?**

**Bakura: I'm about to make this moron eat a fistful of carpet tacks if he doesn't give me back that book.**

**Seto: What book?**

**Marik: It has sexy uke Bakura in it. And he gets jumped by practically everyone in the book. And Ryou just kinda stands there while he gets raped.**

**Bakura: Typical. And GIVE ME THE BOOK, you worthless maggot!**

**Seto: Where did you even get these? (Looking at huge pile of doujinshi.)**

**Bakura: Internet. Here's one with you on the cover. Heheh, you look like a woman on here.**

**Seto: You look like a woman anyway.**

**Marik: Hah! Ooo, this one is good. You get to screw priesty Seto. And he's all like 'oh! Yes! Give it to me hard!'**

**Bakura: Gimme that.**

**Seto: I WILL hurt you.**

**Marik: Hey, I didn't draw it! Eww, this one says Rishid/Malik.**

**Bakura: Look inside.**

**Marik: No fucking way, dude! Are you nuts? That's brain scarring material right there.**

**Bakura: Pussy. I DARE you.**

**Seto: Give it here. (Snatch) This isn't so – Oh, that's SO wrong! I need a bucket. **

**Marik: Don't show me, don't show me - ARGH!**

**Bakura: I'd gouge out my eyes, but I'm sure there's worse to come.**

**Marik: Damned right, check this out. Pegasus/Seto. **

**Seto: WHAT? O.o**

**Bakura: You know, that eye patch suits him. He should thank me.**

**Marik: He's too busy doing Seto.**

**Seto: Give me that! (Burns)**

**Marik: Hey look, it's part of a series. Awwh, Peggy made little copies of you and made them wear dresses. This is wrong on so many levels.**

**Bakura: I like it.**

**Seto: I hate you both.**

**Marik: Eww, look, Pharaoh and Jounouchi. **

**Bakura: Saw that one coming.**

**Seto: I had him first.**

**Marik: I know, see? You look so evil in this one. **

**Bakura: Mine.**

**Marik: Well this one makes no sense.**

**Seto: I shouldn't ask, but why?**

**Marik: Well, Jou is wearing a maid dress, and you and pharaoh are fighting over him. Pharaoh screws him, then you screw him, then pharaoh hits you in the face with the puzzle and screws Jou again, then you both screw Jou, then you kill Jou, then he magically comes back to life.**

**Bakura: Just another day around here…**

**Seto: None of these things make sense.**

**Bakura: Yeah, this one has me screwing Mahaado. Was this before or after I killed him with the giant pendulum blades in the temple of Doom?**

**Seto: You're getting your life mixed up with Indiana Jones movies again.**

**Bakura: I am? I was sure I did that.**

**Marik: Haha, you used to wear a skirt.**

**Bakura: What? When!**

**Marik: Here, look. Tomb robber skirt.**

**Bakura: …Shut up. You lived in a hole.**

**TBC**

**Remember how the endings to QT used to suck? I'm carrying on the tradition. The book they were talking about the most is one of my favourites, Sennen Gangu. The others were odd bits, except the one with Jounouchi, which is up on Roses, I think.**


	2. Heavy Metal Sock Puppets

QT Reload 2

Heavy Metal Sock Puppets.

Warning: _This is self-indulgent crap. Don't hurt me! I had to do it! _

(Bakura is sitting on Marik, who's chained to the bed. They're both naked.)

Bakura: And now for your punishment.

Marik: I thought we were having sex?

Bakura: I know, that's part of your punishment.

Marik: _Pout._ Well… what did I do?

Bakura: Made me listen to Britney Spears while I was driving. Now you must pay. You bought this on yourself.

Marik: Wh-what are you going to do?

Bakura: Wouldn't you like to know?

Marik: Yes.

Bakura: Ok then. _Whips out two sock puppets._

Marik: …Sock puppets?

Bakura: Meet Dave and Lars. _Dave has long, red, curly hair and Lars looks like a potato._

Marik: Are they meant to be-

Bakura: Yes. Now shut up and enjoy the agony of having to sit through this. _Makes his voice growly._ Lars! How dare you and James kick me out of the band! I'll fucking kill you! _Holds up 'Dave.'_

Marik: You are so weird.

Bakura: Silence! _Holds up Lars and puts on a stupid accent. _You deserved it, you psycho! Plus we were all scared shitless of you!

Marik: They were?

Bakura: Yep. _Holds up Dave again. _Screw you, you fat Danish fuck! I'm more talented than you'll ever be!

Marik: Ooo, this is getting good!

Bakura: You're not allowed to enjoy it. It's punishment. _Holds up Lars. _I'm not fat, dammit! And we sold way more albums than you! _Holds up Dave._ You stole all your lyrics off ME! And all your new stuff is crap! And everyone in your stupid band is ugly!

Marik: Ooooookay… I'm starting to feel the punishment side of this.

Bakura: _As Lars._ At least I'm not screwing my bass player! _As Dave._ You leave Junior out of this, I know you want him! Well he's mine, you hear? MINE!

Marik: I didn't think I could get any more disturbed than I already was.

Bakura: You learn something new every day. _Lars puppet._ He's too good for you! Anyway, I heard he was sleeping with Duff McKagan. _Dave._ Lies! Venomous lies! Slash would never allow it, and Junior would never cheat on me, he's too nice! Now be gone, you ugly drummer weasel! _Throws Lars puppet across the room, then takes Dave puppet off and sets it down reverently on the nightstand, before grinning evilly._

Marik: Are you done now?

Bakura: You'd think so, but I have a whole box of these. _Drags out box of puppets from under the bed._ Look, this one's Nikki Sixx, and I have Rob Halford, and Bruce Dickinson… _Grin_.

Marik: …When was the last time you went out of the house?

(Explanation, because it probably needs one: _Dave_ is Dave Mustaine, _Lars_ is Lars Ulrich, drummer and founder of Metallica. Dave was in Metallica, Lars and James Hetfield kicked him out for being a headcase so he formed Megadeth and hates them both. Duff McKagan is the bass player from Guns n Roses, now in Velvet Revolver with Slash. Junior is David Ellefson, Megadeth's bass player, and the cutest little guy on the planet, except possibly Duff. And… I've been hanging out at Rockfic too much the past week. I have a picture of Duff kissing Matt from VR though, so I don't care. )

XxXxX

(Later on, in the living room. Still naked, and Bakura has his box of puppets. He's making a new one.)

Marik: Who's that meant to be?

Bakura: _Holds up the puppet, which has red hair and a bandanna._ Yooooou could be miiiiiine!

Marik: Axl Rose.

Bakura: Ye-up.

Marik: So who's he sleeping with in your scary little world?

Bakura: Duh, Izzy Stradlin.

Marik: I had no idea. Who's this one? _Holds up a blonde puppet._

Bakura: Vince Neil. He goes with Nikki Sixx.

Marik: So if Vince is sleeping with Nikki, who's Tommy Lee sleeping with? Mick Mars?

Bakura: Everyone. It's Tommy Lee, man!

Marik: Good point.

XxXxX

TBC

I realise that probably only made sense to me. This is my fic for getting stupid things out of my system though, and I'm pretty sure that qualifies.


	3. Potatomouse

Notes: I'm getting to Use the Man. This is for Dar, because... Hi! This was inspired by my sister Dawn demanding that Marik have a new pet.

QT Reload 3

XxX At Seto's house. XxX

Marik: What's that smell?

Bakura: You mean sound.

Marik: The one with the noises. And ears. Sound?

Bakura: It's Ryou. He's learning to play Seto's piano.

Marik: He's not very good at it.

Bakura: Frankensnakie has been gnawing on his arm for about thirty-six hours.

Marik: Yum. That reminds me, I need a new pet. Also, I'm hungry.

Bakura: What happened to Frogula? Did you get bored with watching him screech across rooms and latch onto strangers' necks?

Marik: No, that never gets old.

Bakura: Then what's wrong with him?

Marik: He's dead.

Bakura: Sucks. Who did it?

Marik: The French. So, will you make me a new pet? Malik says I have the creativity of a piece of toast. And Seto doesn't let me in the kitchen anymore.

Bakura: No. I have better things to do, the almighty Tomb Robber does not create his art on demand, peasant.

Marik: Better things to do like what? Gnawing on Ryou's other arm and painting your nails black?

Bakura: ...No...

Marik: You are filled with lies. Make me a new pet or Frankensnakie gets it.

Bakura: Frankensnakie would own you all over Seto's shiny floor.

Marik: True, that thing's freakin' vicious. So make me a pet and I'll give you something.

Bakura: It had better be something good.

Marik: Garlic bread.

Bakura: ...Fine.

XxX Later, with Seto. XxX

Bakura: Your pet is ready.

Seto: Isn't that just a potato with a mouse face drawn on it in permanent marker?

Bakura: Er... no. It's...a...eh...Potatomouse.

Marik: Oh. My. Ra. I love it. Come, Potatomouse, you must meet your future love, Frankensnakie.

XxX Marik wanders off with his potato to torment Frankensnakie. XxX

Bakura: I don't think Frankensnakie will want to sleep with that.

Seto: If I were you I'd start worrying about what to tell him when it starts sprouting.

Bakura: I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. As long as you keep buying more potatoes and my marker doesn't run out, we shouldn't have a problem.

XxX

Carrying on the proud tradition of crap endings.


	4. The Lethal Olympics

Question Time: Reload

Notes: Dar asked me to write more of this, so – enjoy.

The Lethal Olympics

Seto: What is this? (_Brandishing a flyer and staring at his garden, full of sporting paraphernalia, fire and dead things. The Kaiba mansion's conservatory has been turned into a makeshift hospital, where various m,embers of Yugi's gang are being treated for everything from Tetanus to third degree burns. They're being tended to by Malik and Otogi, who know nothing about medicine and are mostly just daring each other to touch the sick people.)_

Bakura: (_Gesturing to the chaos_) Welcome to the first annual Lethal Olympics.

Seto: Annual? I think not. Does Ryou know about this?

Ryou: (_Appears_) Know about what? Oh, good lord, what on earth have you done this time?

Bakura: (_Hands Ryou a flyer, whilst watching Marik playing 'Roadkill Hockey' with Yami in goal. It seems to consist of rollerblading around the driveway pelting Yami with dead squirrels and laughing._)

Ryou: (_Reading flyer_) You...decided to hold a demented version of the Olympic games in Kaiba's garden, just as an excuse to torment Yugi and his friends? Please tell me they didn't all sign up because you told them it'd be a 'fun, group activity'?

Bakura: You would not believe how many times Jounouchi will try and walk across an electrified tightrope wire if his friends are all cheering him on. It would have been more if the fall hadn't knocked him out on the sixth go. Also, Honda now holds the record for being on fire the longest without jumping in the pool, he's surprisingly flame-proof. To a point. It would have been Anzu, but her turn didn't count because it turned out someone had glued her in place. Might take a while for her hair to grow back, but on the plus side she still has most of the skin on the soles of her feet.

Seto: I was wondering why the place smells like the inside of a KFC. What is Honda doing now?

Bakura: Hurdles.

Seto: They're on fire. So is he.

Bakura: Makes 'em run faster.

Seto: I'm sensing a theme here.

Bakura: All sports are more interesting when at least one of the players is on fire.

Seto: True, I suppose...

Ryou: Don't encourage him! What on earth is Marik doing now?

Bakura: Baseball.

Ryou: Why are the balls exploding into red mist when he hits them?

Bakura: We filled the pitching machine with mice.

Ryou: (_Watches Marik for a while, looking ill. Marik turns and winks lecherously at him, dripping mouse innards._) ...

Seto: What are Malik and Otogi doing now?

Bakura: Ah. Naked tree climbing.

Ryou: Honestly, I leave you alone for **one** minute and – (_Is ignored_)

Bakura: Call me when he's done telling me off.

Seto: Where are you going?

Bakura: To challenge Pharaoh to a game of Chainsaw Jousting. More fun than Duel Monsters, neh? (_Smirk._)

Seto: (_Rolls eyes and wanders off to make coffee._)

End.

Naked tree climbing. If you're drunk and it seems like a good idea, don't let common sense stop you. Because that _is such _a cool thing to have on a criminal record.


End file.
